Thursday, 28 August 2014

A few tough days....

The feelings of guilt that wash over someone with bipolar can be heightened by those around us when they assume that we are somehow "cured" or "milking" the situation.  The fact that there are a couple days in a row where we can get up out of bed in the morning and even get a shower doesn't mean we are ready to tackle a huge list of projects. 

My wife (Vigor) is having a tough time returning to work and now facing the possibility that she will be the main bread winner in the family.  This wasn't her plan as she saw her future having her taking our boys (almost 3 - Stripes and Silly who is 1.5 yrs old - names changed obviously) to school each morning.  Now she is telling me on an almost daily basis that she is going to break down as she has so much more stress. 

I don't know how to cope with my daily stuff as we already have a nanny taking care of the kids while she is at work.  Today was supposed to be a good day as Great West Life approved my Long Term Disability claim which was something that was a cause of concern.  Now I should have the income and time to get through rehab and to begin to reshape my life again.  How that will look and my ability to earn income at prior levels is unknown but unlikely.  People keep telling me that the work life balance will now shift to the life part and that isn't easy in the finance industry.

So many unknowns and so much guilt and fear.  And people wonder why we say we feel hopeless.

Live another day ...  WithVigor

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Ministry of Transportation

One of the most troubling experiences of trying to be as honest as I could with my doctors was them revealing to me that they had to notify the government about me.  Since I use alcohol in a binge fashion (now I understand it is to self medicate but I used to think it was just a drinking problem) and that gives our doctors in Canada an obligation to report us. 

So what I was trying to recover from at the time was a deep depression and now I am being told that the MOT (Ministry of Transportation) could now take my license away.  What struck me as odd is that this would likely have little impact on my ability to purchase a gun but I guess drinkers only cause trouble when they drive!  Well the first bunch of questions from the MOT only dealt with my drinking and my doctor by that point felt it was only misuse since while on medication I had been able to stay sober for 2.5 months at that point.

That moves us to today and I was wondering when I would hear something back from them.  So imagine my surprise when they had another letter from me explaining that now they want to know a lot more about my mental illness before making a final judgement.  This stage has to be submitted near the end of October which means that they will give me an answer close to the end of the year like an Xmas present!

Why do we have a process with the government that was started in June and could result in me losing my license in December?  That means that I have been driving all during this time and then they could determine I am too dangerous?!  Of course that would put a burden on the family to have me not be able to drive my kids to daycare, get groceries, etc. 

All this was on my mind and I couldn't sleep so a nice late night post.


Tuesday, 19 August 2014

A typical day

What exactly is a typical day for someone with bipolar?  I am still not sure of that and the medication sure isn't helping yet with keeping me on a regular schedule.  About the only thing the drugs are doing at this point is keeping me from ever needing or wanting to drink.  So that is a huge step in the right direction but now I have horrible concentration and focus.

Most mornings feel like I need another 4-5 hours sleep even when I get to bed early.  There are nights like tonight where I am awake at this time but this isn't typical.  The Zoloft is supposed to help me get to sleep but without listening to an audiobook it seems like my mind is racing. 

I have a long history of looking at financial markets and news that impacts those markets and this time has me more anxious than ever before.  Since 2008 I haven't felt that the market has ever corrected the errors that caused the financial crisis.  Now we see even more fighting around the world and the US needing to do so much more to protect its status as the petrodollar.  The way my mind works the eventual WWIII type scenario is most likely to play out.  Now ask me to be positive about the family and our future?! 

Almost everything I look at really ends in some sort of disaster... that is why I have been working so hard with my EAP (employee assistance program) to get into Homewood so I can get treatment.


Sunday, 17 August 2014

Where to Start?

Setting up a new blog especially on the topic I want to focus on each day is daunting.  At the current point of my life everything feels even more difficult than prior to me getting diagnosed with bipolar type II rapid cycling along with general anxiety disorder.

This last weekend also marked the four year anniversary of the death of a good friend of mine so I am using her memory to inspire me to get something done.  The current medications I am on keep me from wanting to drink to self medicate my bipolar but it leaves me in bed for much longer than normal or feeling dozy or tired the rest of the time.